Grief.
WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK.
This has been on repeat in my head for the past few weeks. Saying goodbye to someone I loved. Trying to grasp the fuckedupness of it all, without success. It’s well beyond my grasp.
A few weeks ago, I lost someone I love dearly. My beautiful cousin, Amie. My partner in crime since the time we could walk and talk.
My heart is so very broken💔
I thought I would show up anyway, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I committed to it. But then, I just couldn’t. Because I didn’t want to share anything that didn’t feel authentic for me in the moment. Also, I couldn’t process my feelings around this loss, and certainly couldn’t put the messiness of those feelings into words. I was in a fog. So, I gave myself the space and grace to be.
I know the deep and physical feelings of the sadness will lessen over time. I know I will be ok. I know my family will be ok. Logically, I know these things. I know because I’ve been through it before. But right now, there is a disconnect between my head and my heart.
I’ve lost and grieved before. For many reasons. It was different each time. Different relationships, different seasons of my life, and I was a different person with each one – – as we heal, learn and grow through the process. This one is different. So I won’t put it into a box with expectations and shoulds. Instead, I’ll allow it to unfold as it does.
I’m still feeling shock and disbelief. Denial, guilt and some anger. It DOES NOT FEEL REAL. I’m choosing to sit with these feelings. Not push them down, ignore or resist them, or force my way into the next phase. I know it will come. Part of me hoped writing this would help….maybe it will.
Grief can feel uncertain, painful, angry, sad, and messy. In the messiness of it all there is also love, compassion, coming together, letting go, reliving memories, smiles and laughter, healing, learning, growing and gratitude.
I wrote these words two years ago, but thought they were worth sharing here. It’s been a tough few years for so many.
Give yourself the space and grace to BE, wherever you’re at right now in this moment. Breathe. Prioritize your self-care. Reach out for support. Reach out to someone who needs support. Do things that bring you joy. Spend time with people who warm your heart. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Tell them you love them. Laugh often. Have gratitude. Life is precious and today is a gift.
xo
🖤