The MF Good Girl

I’m not sure why this is coming through right now.  I’m not feeling especially good. Or bad. Nothing triggered it. There’s no one story to illustrate it. There are many. And I have a feeling you probably have plenty of your own.

 So I’ll just share what came through…  

The motherfucking good girl.

An identity I was handed that never felt like me. I spent my entire life trying to be good, oftentimes unconsciously. I felt ashamed when I failed. Even if I didn’t label it as shame. I see it now. I felt guilty for wanting something different. Good never felt like mine to hold, yet I carried it for way too long. Not that I desired to be bad. Well, sometimes. Not in a harmful way. I just never liked being put in a box with a label. The notion of being “good” so as not to make others uncomfortable, inconvenienced, or upset—at the expense of my own needs, desires, and comfort—no longer interested me. 

What I learned from years of good girl conditioning was that my needs were not as important as someone else’s. And then I believed it to be true.  I got quieter. Made myself smaller. Bent myself to fit situations. I lost myself a little along the way. It became my norm. Not in a big dramatic way, but I can see now how this belief robbed me of my full light. Both in obvious ways, and in soft sneaky moments. Saying yes when I wanted to say no. Swallowing what I really wanted to say. Questioning a desire because someone else might not understand it. Apologizing when I had nothing to apologize for. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s become who you are.

The beautiful thing about beliefs? Once we recognize them, we can change them. If we choose.  And I chose to stop believing that I mattered less. It’s just not true. That belief never made me a better human. It didn’t make me kinder or more loving. It diminished my sense of worth. I became a people pleaser, without even realizing. 

What “good” often translates to

Good girls don’t disappoint people.

Good girls are agreeable.

Good girls don’t make mistakes. 

Good girls follow the rules. 

Good girls don’t make people uncomfortable.

Good girls don’t ask for too much. 

Good girls don’t make selfish choices.

Good girls don’t get angry.

Good girls don’t want that.

Good girls certainly don’t say fuck this. 😂

With this belief, we learn to push down desires that don’t align with “good.” To tolerate or settle for less to avoid being judged for wanting too much. We quiet our voices to stay safe in our good girl box. Maybe anger is held, festering over years. Maybe resentments are born. Sometimes, regret plays a role. 

And then suddenly one day, you miss her. The version before society told you who to be.

So here I am. Showing up messy. No longer trying to fit in the MF good girl box. Being more me. Whole. A woman who will disappoint people. Who will make people uncomfortable. Who will make mistakes. Who will follow her heart anyway. And love even more deeply. Allowing me to be me. Allowing others to be them.  Because loving other people does not require you to abandon yourself. 

Turns out, I never needed to be the good girl. 
I needed to be me.