It took 2 years of beating myself up, an ocean’s worth of tears, pounds lost, a thousand walks, weekly sessions with my therapist, anytime therapy with my friends… to choose me. Guilt was consuming me. And then one day, I chose to stop carrying it.
I asked for a divorce. After 20+ years of being together and 12 years of marriage. I did not arrive at the decision lightly or easily. It was years in the making. Therapy, discussions, arguments. There was no big traumatic event. I still—and will forever—have love in my heart for him. But this isn’t about what went sideways between us. It’s about guilt. Giving myself permission to release it. And how it changed my life.
When Guilt Was Running My Life
I was consumed with guilt. Because I asked for the divorce. I wasn’t happy, and I truly believed he wasn’t happy either. He didn’t agree. He didn’t want the divorce.
I had always lived with guilt (hello, Italian Catholic). Made decisions based on guilt and my lifelong tendency to people-please (always the “good girl”). It just became so apparent during my divorce how much it was driving me and how damaging it had become.
It looked like me answering his calls and listening to him yell at me, telling me repeatedly how terrible a person I was for doing this. And reading all the texts that left me feeling depleted, sad, confused, unworthy, horrible. Trying relentlessly to explain, answer questions, and justify my feelings over and over and over again. I felt like I owed it to him because I was the one asking for the divorce. He wasn’t being kind, loving, or understanding. Yet, I gave him all the grace. Because he was hurting. I told myself it was because of me. I loved him and hated seeing him in pain. But here’s the thing—I was also hurting!!! I put his pain ahead of my own, felt responsible for it, and thought the least I could do was be there to listen. This went on for a very long time.
What Guilt Was Costing Me
The result: I felt awful about myself, the situation, and for hurting him. My health suffered. My digestion was wrecked. Sleep—obviously not happening. And I couldn’t fully heal or grieve while I was still holding onto this unhealthy pattern.
Giving Myself Permission to Let Go of Guilt
What I came to realize is that my feelings mattered too. Just as much as his. While I was trying to be loving to him throughout this, I was not showing myself that same love. I wasn’t responsible for him, his feelings, his actions, his reactions, his happiness, or his pain. He made choices that had led us there, too.
So I gave myself grace. I was also hurting. Tremendously. This was not an easy decision. This was not the easy way. I was making it so much harder for both of us by showing up from a place of guilt. I decided to stop carrying it. Telling myself I was worthy of and responsible for my own life and happiness. I would no longer feel guilty for choosing me. With a ton of practice and repetition, I released the guilt.
What Happened When I Chose Myself
And something unexpected and magical happened… I released guilt from all areas of my life. I said no to things I didn’t want to do without feeling guilty. The baby shower I didn’t want to attend? That’s a no. Zero guilt. I prioritized my own self-care, needs, and desires while still showing up for the people in my life.
Letting Go of Expectations of Others
The other beautiful thing that happened… I let go of my expectations of others. I stopped expecting or wishing people to be different from who they were. I didn’t make their no mean anything about me. I trusted that the people in my life were doing the best they could with what they had and were doing what was right for them. If they said no because they didn’t like me? That’s their business, not mine to manage. I had no control over it, so why waste my precious time and energy? That shift changed my relationships. For the better. People can absolutely feel the energy if you’re judging, resentful, holding expectations. Or if you’re letting them just be them.
I also learned that it goes hand-in-hand. Love yourself more, and you can love others more. Judge yourself less, and you will judge others less. Release expectations of others, and you are no longer responsible for their actions, their feelings, their life (you never were, never will be).
I didn’t want to be divorced. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made and one of the hardest seasons of my life. I am grateful that through it, I learned, I healed, I grew. This is a tiny little snippet from my journey, but an incredibly powerful one.
Living my life from love, not guilt. Releasing expectations of how others should be. Taking responsibility for my own life, happiness, needs, desires. Letting others be who they are. The shift has been wildly life-changing. It feels better, lighter, more freeing, more ease, more confidence, and so much less headspace and time spent thinking about and worrying about things that aren’t mine to hold.
I thought I was giving myself permission to stop feeling guilty about one decision.
I didn’t realize I was giving myself permission to live my entire life differently.